Reality

"You can't eat a dream, but reality puts food on the table."

- Hiroshi Nakano, Gravitation

You know, one of the most crushing things in life is when you actually realize this.

Many people have dreams, aspirations, hopes and desires for their future. In fact, the educational syllabus, in their folly actually encourages such.

I feel like a little kid, standing on a cliff, shouting at the vast sea and shouting out my dreams and aspiration.

- An utterly useless act of self-edification.

There are few people on earth who have the solid passion, drive and desire to push all the way, despite the harshness of reality, and yet succeed in the end.

In fact, the percentage of those who strive for their dreams and those who actually end up successful is less then 1%...

As we grow older, we get less disillusioned and more practical. Food, housing, medical, family becomes a priority, and selfish dreams have no room for them.

I keep questioning myself:

IS THIS THE LIFE THAT I WANT?

... I keep drawing the conclusion: I do not have the calibre for it, even if I wanted to.

Dream - Being a director

Reality - Utterly bad memory

It's like asking a colored blind person to be a painter. Can he ever succeed?

I tried streamlining my work, I tried doing all sorts of tricks to remember... but I always screw up.

I don't understand why. It's like some abhorrent force is trying to cause me to stumble all the time.

This industry is one that is completely made out of stress.

Stressed people, stressed faces, stressed words, stressed actions. All become a chain cycle which causes people to become so miserable after awhile that they quit.

My incompetency is reaching a level in which I can't even tolerate my ownself anymore...

I'm even starting to have nightmares.

NIGHTMARES!!!

I can't even remember when was the last time I had series after series of nightmares.

Waking up in cold sweat in the middle of the night, thinking I'm late for work, or because I dreamed that I forgot to do something.

I don't really recall being that forgetful.

Is that forgetfulness?

I know I've always been extremely dedicated to my work, but meticulousness hasn't always been my forte.

Dedication without meticulousness is nothing.

Meticulousness without endurance is nothing.

Endurance without drive is nothing.

Drive without destination is nothing.

What do I want?

The first thing that screams in my head is

1) Get out of this place as soon as possible.

but

2) If you leave, will you ever regret the training it could have given you?

and

3) If you do not leave, could there be greater rewards awaiting you that you never thought of?

My mind is stressed with all these questions aside from those things that I have to do and remember daily.

I'm only a PA. If I ever become an AP, the workload will be increased TENFOLD.

Do I want that? Do I have the endurance to run this race?...

.... I'm going to have to sacrificing a lot of things.

Misery

Work is crazy.

I think crazy is an understatement.

I'm not sure if I'm utterly inapt, useless, retarded or just plain, not trying hard enough.

I can't even handle basic things like getting my forms done correctly, remembering what my actors wore for particular scenes, or even helping my AP get some of the stuff she entrusted to me correctly...

Yeah. I'm useless. Like what she said, I probably can't be trusted anymore...

I really dunno if it is a language barrier, cos as often as possible, the instructions that they give me are in English.

Am I inapt?..... I think I probably am...

Even if I go to work an hour earlier then everybody and leave an hour later then everybody, I am bound to forget stuff.

Every night I sleep in fear and nightmares of what I've forgot to do.

... sometimes I just want to give up everything.

I'm learning. I'm still learning. But the things thrown at me, though it may be presumably little, somehow tends to amplify a hundred times in my mind.

.. a fear of how a sentence can change into Chinese suddenly and I'd be lost

i.e. Hey! Stop that person! He "qin pang" already!

I would run to go stop that person, but when the sentence finishes, I'm lost. Because I have no idea what the hell is "qin pang".

My eyes and legs are just so tired. I feel like crying.

How on earth do these people do this job? Unless I lack something in me that they have and I do not.

I've been pondering about it and I came to a few conclusions

1) Language

People who can speak the same language fluently tend to stick to each other, and communicate each other in the preferable language. This would cause them to unconsciously block out people who do not speak it so well.

2) Memory

I have an extremely bad memory, and I know that myself very well, thats why I try my best to write down everything I need to do in as much of a regimented, systematic way as possible so I would not miss anything. But in an unpredictable industry such as this, how can "system" even work?.... fail.

3) Social

I.. guess... I'm not really that sociable... even if I try my utmost lame effort to do something right. I smile as much as I can, so that other people would not see the frantic warfare that is raging inside me. Sometimes, I smile so much that it becomes fake.... Sometimes, all you need is to look carefully into a person's eyes, to know how much sadness he carries.

4) Stress

My transition from army to work has been nightmarish. SAF and Mediacorp's culture are at the total opposite ends of culture, where work is concerned. One is regimented, one is unpredictable. One is non-communicative, one is extremely communicative. One is full of guys, one is just full of gals..... moreover, I didn't really want to leave SAF due to my attachment with that place...

sigh..

My eyes hurts, my mind hurts, heart aches, my muscle aches and my soul is weary... I just want to stop and scream: "DON'T PROMOTE ME!! DON'T PATH ME TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!" but I know that if I don't, I will never learn.

I must learn.

I am here to learn.

So with a heart of steel, I will endure everything and anything that can be thrown at me.

I WILL NOT LEAVE MEDIACORP WITHOUT TAKING THE UTMOST EXPERIENCE WITH ME!!!

I will make what a normal producer learns in one year, equivalent of ten years.

I will serve.

I will commit.

I will do my best.

I will try harder... one day, somebody will look and say, "good job!" and I know that I have something to add to my resume.